"Resolution" #1: Shower more often

Is it bad that one of my top "resolutions" for the year is to shower more often?
You think I'm kidding...
Maybe I am...
Ok, I'm not.

Stay at home momma here. When you don't have anywhere to be, showering is low on the priority list. Don't judge until you've been there. Most days my shower consists of wiping sticky gunk and slobber off myself with baby wipes as I chase my toddler around the house trying to wipe him down before he gets it all over the furniture.

The truth is, I could care less about showering. Showers to me equal alone time, when I can't see my two-year-old sticking his fingers under the door or hear him yelling because his blankie came off in the bed. It is a time for me to reflect in silence, decompress, pray, blare Pandora, cry if I need to, and sometimes wash my hair.

It is important for us mommas to take time for ourselves to meditate and recompose so that we don't lose ourselves in our day-to-day routine.

I used to feel guilty for leaving Noah in his crib if it wasn't naptime, while I went to shower. I would crack the door to make sure he didn't cry, then stress the whole time I was in the shower because I could hear him crying. I ended my shower more stressed than if I had not done it at all; so I just stopped taking that time altogether. I then found that when evening came, I was exhausted, often grumpy, and didn't have any energy left to pour into my husband. As soon as he walked in the door, I would hand Noah to him and collapse on the couch expecting him to fend for himself because I "deserved me time".

As the new year rolled around, I decided to reevaluate areas of my life. Make commitments to myself. Purge the junk and bad habits and replace some of them with healthy habits.

A resolution often has the reputation for being made at the beginning of the year and once you mess up, well, you have to wait a whole nother year to try again. A commitment, such as in marriage, allows grace and doesn't have to be made at a particular time. My commitment to "shower more often" happened to be at the beginning of the year, but as I continue to evaluate my life, I'll continue to make more commitments throughout the year.

This week I started quiet time in our house. Noah no longer takes a late-afternoon nap, so quiet time is a good alternative that allows me the have "shower time" and him to learn to entertain himself for a bit. Let me tell you, it has been glorious. While he doesn't quite get the concept yet, he does understand that being put in his crib with a few books and toys means he doesn't have to take a nap, which has limited the crying fits. So far, I have chosen to shower every day (mostly because I am sick and the steam feels nice), but sometimes, if a shower is not actually needed, it may be me making a hot cup of tea (and drinking it hot) and reading or laying in bed and just enjoying the silence.  

I am mostly writing this blog as a way to reflect later, as "documenting life" is another commitment I have made to myself, but thought it was something that maybe another momma or two could get something out of as well.

Regardless of what "shower time" looks like to you, my encouragement is to make time for it. Maybe not every day, but I promise that by doing it your children and husband will thank you for it and more importantly you will thank yourself for it.

~Jess

To the Unbeliever

To the unbeliever,

I write this with a broken and heavy heart. I think many believers may agree with me, but I want to personally take responsibility. Many times people generalize their thoughts and by doing that, aren’t claiming responsibility themselves... I want to start by apologizing. I am sorry for not unconditionally loving and accepting you where you are, as Jesus did. I am sorry that as soon as I find out you are not a believer; I automatically categorize you in a different group, and subconsciously judge your actions. Most of all, I am sorry that I claim to be a believer, but reflect Jesus poorly. You deserve to see who Jesus is in a better light. Jesus deserves to be reflected in a better light.

Jesus didn’t call me to choose who to love or accept and I have no right or responsibility to judge you, because guess what, I may be more of a mess than you, I’m just ashamed to show it and am better at hiding it. Maybe that’s the reason why you are turned off by the idea of loving Jesus, because I, as a believer, am so good at being fake and wearing masks that hide my “ungodly” actions; or maybe you are intrigued by what Jesus has to offer, but wouldn’t dare step foot into my church because you know that I am going to judge you for being there because you don’t have “the right clothes” or you don’t “say the right things”. I am so so sorry for that. I am striving to do better.

The truth is, I am not any better than you. I claim responsibility for “prioritizing” sin, and thinking that somehow my sin is not “as great” as yours. Guess what? It is. I confess, I sin daily, and don’t always repent for it. Thank goodness for grace.

I want to share a little bit about who Jesus is and also who I am as a believer, not to try to convince you of anything. I’m sure you have been told many different viewpoints on who he is and have tried to be “persuaded” to agree and believe. I have no intentions of doing that. I just want you to see a better picture, coming from a believer in complete humility and honesty, and asking for grace and forgiveness as I share.

Jesus, the Son of God, came to earth knowing that He was going to die. He willingly came to sacrifice himself, so that I, as a believer could spend my life after death in a perfect place. So that when I messed up, I could receive mercy, grace, and forgiveness. While on earth, he hung out with prostitutes, homeless, alcoholics and people who were not accepted by “believers.” Never once did he care about what others thought and never once did he judge them. He loved unconditionally, spent his days helping people in need, and committed his life to others. He was (and still is) a son, friend, healer, comforter, teacher, and many other things. He never categorized others according to race, religion, financial status, or gender. He accepted them all and spent time teaching and encouraging anytime he was given the opportunity. There are so many incredible stories that tell of all that Jesus did.

This is me: I am a believer in Jesus. I have been honored to be called a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I strive for excellence in all that I do; an all or nothing kind of girl. I am stubborn and strong willed, and am learning to use those things to not cower from what I believe in. I try not to show emotion, but care so deeply about what others think of me. I try to speak positively about others, but also struggle with judging others.  I am a sinner, with real emotions and real struggles. I have good days and bad days. I have insecurities and mountains. I am a believer because I see who Jesus is, and I want to be like Him. I want to love without conditions and give all I have to help and encourage others. After life on earth, I want to know what it feels like to live in a place with no sickness, death, or sin. Today, I want to strive to be greater. Love more and hate less. Forgive without conditions. Spread joy, even in the midst of sorrow. Most importantly, show the world a glimpse of who Jesus is. 

Be Blessed,

~Jess

Raised Bed Gardening 101

I have done a TON of research this year on gardening and have been trying to find the time to write it all out, mostly to share with you, but also so I have it to look back on. It will probably be WAY more than you will ever want to know about gardening, so feel free to skim the parts that I start to ramble. I tend to do that a lot... such as now, I suppose.

Getting Started

There are a few questions that you should ask yourself before gardening...

1) What kind of garden do I want? 

2) Where will I put this garden and what will I make it out of?

3) Am I ready for a long term commitment? 

4) What time of year will I be gardening?

What kind of garden do I want? 

Vegetable vs flowers... or both! I LOVE to garden, and I have the time and space to have both. I suggest if you work a lot and have little time to tend to your garden, keep it small and easily accessible. There is a ton of info out there about small gardens, but for the sake of this blog and my experience, I will focus the larger garden that includes flowers and vegetable (and herbs). I'll talk later about companion planting, which incorporates flowers and herbs into a vegetable garden.   

Where will I put this garden and what will I make it out of?

I have a pretty big backyard and an awesome husband who sees my visions and lets me do what I want (and usually helps make it come to life). You'll want to pick a place that gets sunlight at least 6-8 hours of the day and is sheltered from critters, such as dogs and small children.

I have had experience with making gardens out of wood and cinder block. If you decide to use wood, my suggestion is to get untreated, as the chemicals can be harmful to your edible produce. The only downside of using untreated wood is that it rots quickly. Ours only lasted two years.

Our first garden made out of wood.

This year, we used cinder blocks. I wasn't sure if I would like the look of it, but found this awesome idea to plant flowers and herbs in the holes of each cinder block, and I think it turned out great. I have also seen people spray paint designs on the cinder blocks.

Am I ready for a long term commitment? 

Gardening is not something that happens over night. It takes weeks and even months to reap the fruits of your labor. It also requires upkeep along the way. My suggestions is, if you are just starting out, to pick a few easy growing and forgiving plants, so if you forget to water for a few days, they will perk back up after being showered. Some good hardy vegetable plants are beans, okra, pumpkins, squash, and zucchini. They produce big leaves that protect the vegetable itself from the harsh sun. Some good herbs and flowers to start out with are basil, rosemary, mint, and marigolds. 

What time of year will I be gardening?

Different plants have different growing seasons. Make sure you are planting according to your climate. If you are starting plants from seed, most seed packages have the best growing season for your area. If you are a new gardener, I would suggest starting with plants. You will see results much quicker, as the store has done all the hard work for you. If you are planting anytime after early/mid April, buy all plants. I typically always buy marigolds, peppers and tomatoes as plants, no matter the time of year. They just takes too long to start from seed.


Building Your Garden
Look online for different ideas on sizes, shapes, and materials used for raised bed gardens.

Here is what we did to build our cinder block raised bed garden.

Supplies:
- Lots of cinder blocks (measure the size you want and buy accordingly)- Approx $1.48/ea
- Shovel
- Hand dirt compactor
- Work gloves










The most important factor into making your garden look good (minus the plants), is making sure it is level. Having a good, solid, and flat foundation is key. This is by far the worst part. I nominated my husband (who has lots of upper body strength) to do this part. He dug a few inches into the ground just enough to frame the garden and then used the dirt compactor to level the dug out areas. It may be best to do this part after it has rained; the ground will be softer. (Helpful tip: Put all the extra dirt in the center of the garden, as it can be used as *free* filler dirt later.) After the dirt is compacted, place the cinder blocks, making sure they are level. We did all three steps for every 3-4 feet that we dug, to ensure we were keeping it all level and to help keep the excess dirt in place. You can decide whether or not you want to do just one row of cinder blocks or two. We chose two rows. Benefits of two row: sturdier and more likely to keep the cinder blocks from shifting; you don't have to bend down as far when gardening; *in my opinion* it looks nicer. Cons: costs more and you have to buy twice as much dirt.
             
Buying Dirt

You are going to need both filler dirt and vegetable garden fertilizer. The extra dirt from digging the space from the cinder blocks should fill 20-25% of the garden (maybe more). We had a TON of extra dirt from a previous patio project so we were fortunate to not have to buy any filler dirt. It is fairly inexpensive per bag though. Filler dirt should fill about 2/3 of your garden and fertilizer 1/3. There are a TON of different kinds of each. Filler dirt doesn't really matter what kind, but make sure that your fertilizer is for *vegetable* gardens. The fertilizer is nutrient packed and spongy to ensures that water can reach the roots and drain properly. I also used filler dirt to fill 3/4 of each cinder block hole and 1/4 fertilizer.

Helpful hint: I would also recommend using some sort of weed barrier. I typically use newspaper or cardboard. Lay a thick layer on the ground, underneath the filler dirt, to keep weeds from popping up.

Planting
Now for the fun part! Time to pick out your plants. This is where my intense research came into play. I am a strong believer in not using pesticides, unless you absolutely have to. I have an obsession with saving honey bees, and most pesticides, although they kill the bad bugs, they also kill the good ones. I decided this year to find alternative ways to repel harmful insects that do not include toxic sprays. I discovered this incredible method called companion planting. Companion planting, by definition, is any plant that is purposefully planted next to another to enhance growth, beauty, or flavor. I found a good companion planting chart here. Scroll down to the bottom to see a full list of what to and not to plant together.

Citronella Plant

It's easy to get carried away when buying plants, so be sure to make a list of what you want before you go and maybe leave room for one or two random plants that are "impulse buys." Also, be sure to only get the number of plants that will fit in your garden. Although you are buying plants when they are small, most take up a few feet of space when they are fully grown. You can maximize your garden space by building a trellis and training some of your plants to grow up the trellis. 

Lavender

One problem I faced last growing season, after all my plants were fully grown, was some plants were creating too much shade, which cause others to stop growing and producing due to lack of sun. This year, I mapped out where each plant would go according to how the sun hit the garden. Okra tend to grow really tall, so I put them in the far corner that is shaded first during the day. I planted beans next to them because they grow on a trellis away from the okra. Peppers like the sun, so I made sure they were on the side of the garden that gets the most sun during the day and planted garlic next to them because bulb plants grow underground.  All of my leafy plants I planted in the middle- squash, zucchini, cucumbers, pumpkins, and melons - they have similar growing needs so they won't hinder the growth of their neighbor. I also planted garlic throughout my garden (except by the beans) because they repel the bad bugs. 

The herbs and flowers that I planted in the cinder block holes consist of: marigolds, parsley, lemon thyme, lemon balm, rosemary, spearmint, peppermint, basil, lavender, chamomile, and catnip. I also have lemon grass and citronella in separate pots on the patio because we have a huge mosquito problem and these plants repel mosquitoes. Last year, if I stepped outside for a minute, I would have at least 2-3 bites, this year I have seen very few mosquitoes. Although it is still early in the summer, I am convinced that my plants are repelling them. 

Composting

Crushed egg shells around the plants

Composting doesn't have to be difficult. I used to think I didn't have room to have my own compost, but after doing some research, I found that it is actually quite simple and doesn't have to take up a lot space. 

Composting is basically just using kitchen scraps as fertilizer for your plants. The three main things that I compost are coffee grounds (I even throw the coffee filter in with the grounds), eggs shells, and banana peels. I also toss in any vegetable or fruit scraps. I have a gallon sized bucket next to my kitchen sink that holds my scraps. Instead of waiting for the food to decompose, I throw it all in a blender with some water and make a (nasty) compost liquid then pour it around the base of my plants. Occasionally, I will leave the eggshells out of my compost and rinse them out, crush them, and spread them around the base of the plants, by themselves, to serve as a natural insect repellent for soft bodied bugs such as slugs and caterpillars. 

Marigolds

• Can be planted next with almost any other plant 
• Repel bugs such as mosquitoes and gnats
• Attract good insects (such as bees) to aid in pollination and eat the bad bugs
• Don't "crowd" your other plants and are good neighbors

Cons:

• Attract spider mites (these can be eliminated by spraying the plants with the water hose)
• Can't be planted next to beans

Good Companion Plants

Basil 

Basil companioned with tomatoes

Plant near: most garden crops

Keep away from: Rue and cucumbers
Benefits: Repels mosquitoes and improves the flavor and growth of garden crops, especially tomatoes and lettuce. 

Beans

Plant near: cabbage, carrots, catnip, cauliflower, corn, cucumbers, potatoes, savory, strawberries
Keep away from: peppers, fennel, garlic, leeks, onions, shallots, and marigolds

Beets

A little garden friend

 Plant near: broccoli, brussels sprouts, bush beans, cabbage, cauliflower, chard, kohlrabi, onions

Keep away from: charlock, mustard plants, pole beans

Borage

Plant near:  squash, strawberries, tomatoes
Comments: repels tomato worms. Improves flavor and growth of companions.

Broccoli and Brussels Sprouts

Plant near: beets, buckwheat, calendula, carrots, chamomile, dill, hyssop, marigolds, mints, nasturtiums, onions, rosemary, sage, thyme, wormwood.
Keep away from: peppers, tomatoes,squash, and strawberries



Comments: marigolds repel cabbage moths. Nasturtiums repel aphids.

Cabbage and Cauliflower

Plant near: broccoli, brussel sprouts, celery, chard, spinach, tomatoes.
Keep away from: peppers, tomatoes,squash, and strawberries
Comments: tomatoes and celery repel cabbage worms.

Cantaloupe

Plant near: corn
Keep away from: cucumbers

Carrots

Plant near: cabbage, chives, early potatoes, leeks, lettuce, onions, peas, radishes, rosemary, sage, salsify, wormwood.
Keep away from: dill and parsnip
Comments: onions, leeks, and wormwood repel carrot flies

Chives

Plant near: apples, berries, carrots, grapes, peas, roses, tomatoes.
Comments: Improves flavor and growth of companions. Deters aphids and Japanese beetles.

Corn

Plant near: beans, cucumbers, early potatoes, melons, peas, pumpkins, soybeans, squash.
Comments: soybeans deter chinch bugs.

Cucumbers

Plant near: beans, cabbage, corn, radishes, sunflowers.
Keep away from:cauliflower, potato plants, basil, rosemary, lavender, or thyme
Comments: Radishes deter cucumber beetles. Cucumbers encourage blight in late potatoes.

Dill

Bell Peppers

Plant near: broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, cucumber, lettuce, onions
Keep away from: carrots
Comments: Improves flavor and growth of cabbage family plants.

Epplant

Plant near: green beans, peppers, potatoes, tomatoes
Comments: green beans deter Colorado potato beetles.

Garlic

Plant near: cabbage, cane fruits, fruit trees, roses, tomatoes
Keep away from: peas, beans
Comments: deters Japanese beetles and aphids. A garlic oil spray deters onion flies, aphids, and ermine moths. A garlic tea helps repel late potato blight.

Kale

Plant near: aromatic herbs, buckwheat, cabbage family, marigolds, nasturtiums
Keep away from: pole beans, strawberries
Comments:

Kohlrabi

Plant near: cabbage/cauliflower companions (except tomatoes)
Keep away from: fennel, pole beans, tomatoes
Comments: kohlrabi stunts tomatoes

Lettuce

Plant near: carrots, parsnips, radishes, strawberries
Keep away from: cabbage family, beets, parsley
Comments: lettuce tenderizes summer radishes.

Marigolds

Plant near: all garden crops
Keep away from: beans
Comments: stimulates vegetable growth and deters bean beetles, aphids, potato bugs, squash bugs, nematodes, and maggots.

Marjoram

Plant near: all garden crops
Keep away from:
Comments: stimulates vegetable growth.

Mustard

Plant near: alfalfa cover crops, fruit trees, grapes, legumes
Keep away from:
Comments: stimulates growth of companion plants.

Nasturtiums

Plant near: apples, beans, cabbage family, greenhouse crops, potatoes, pumpkins, radishes, squash
Keep away from:
Comments: repels aphids, potato bugs, squash bugs, striped pumpkin beetles, and Mexican bean beetles and destroys white flies in greenhouses.

Onions

Plant near: beets, cabbage family, carrots, chamomile, lettuce, parsnips
Keep away from: beans, peas
Comments: deters most pests, especially maggots.

Oregano

Plant near: all garden crops
Keep away from:
Comments: deters many insect pests.

Parsley

Plant near: corn, roses, tomatoes
Keep away from:
Comments:

Parsnips

Plant near: onions, radishes, wormwood
Keep away from:
Comments: onions and wormwood help keep root maggots from parsnips.

Peas

Plant near: beans, carrots, corn, cucumbers, early potatoes, radishes, turnips
Keep away from: garlic, leeks, onions, shallots, peppers
Comments:

Peppers

Plant near: basil, carrots, eggplant, onions, parsley, tomatoes
Keep away from: fennel, kohlrabi
Comments:

Potatoes

Plant near: basil, beans, cabbage family, corn, eggplant, flax, hemp, marigolds, peas, squash
Keep away from: apples, birch, cherries, cucumbers, pumpkins, raspberries, sunflowers, tomatoes, walnuts
Comments: hemp deters phytophthora infestans. Basil deters potato beetles. Marigolds (dug into crop soil) deter nematodes.

Radishes

Plant near: chervil, cucumbers, lettuce, melons, peas, nasturtiums, root crops
Keep away from: hyssop
Comments: radishes deter cucumber beetles. Chervil makes radishes hot. Lettuce helps make radishes tender. Nasturtiums improve radishes' flavor.

Rosemary

Plant near: beans, cabbage, carrots
Keep away from:
Comments: repels bean beetles, cabbage moths, and carrot flies.

Sage

Plant near: cabbage family, carrots, tomatoes
Keep away from: cucumbers
Comments: deters cabbage moths and carrot flies. Invigorates tomato plants.

Soybeans

Plant near: corn, potatoes
Keep away from:
Comments: chokes weeds and enriches soil.

Spinach

Plant near: celery, cauliflower, eggplant, strawberries
Keep away from:
Comments:

Strawberries

Plant near: borage, bush beans, lettuce, pyrethrum, spinach
Keep away from: cabbage family
Comments:

Sunflowers

Plant near: cucumbers
Keep away from: potatoes
Comments: can provide a trellis and shelter for shade-loving cucumbers.

Swiss Chard

Plant near: bush beans, kohlrabi, onions
Keep away from: pole beans
Comments:

Tarragon

Plant near: all garden crops
Keep away from:
Comments: improves vegetables' flavor and growth.

Thyme

Plant near: all garden crops
Keep away from:
Comments: deters cabbage moths.

Tomatoes

Plant near: asparagus, basil, cabbage family, carrots, gooseberries, mustard, parsley, onions, rosemary, sage, stinging nettles
Keep away from: fennel, kohlrabi, potatoes, walnuts
Comments:

Turnips and Rutabagas

Plant near: peas
Keep away from: knotweed, mustard
Comments: mustard and knotweed inhibit the growth of turnips and rutabagas.

(Complete list derived from here)

Happy Gardening!!

~Jess

Credit Cards

This is a pretty controversial topic in the money saving world. I know many financial advisers recommend that you stay away from credit cards, and if you are absolutely unable to control yourself with a credit card, then yes, just scroll past this post, because this one is not for you, BUT, if you think you would be able to handle your spending, then hear me out. I am 100% for credit cards if used responsibly. In fact, I use my credit card every chance I get. I know I sound crazy, but like I said, hear me out.

Let me start by telling you the two HUGE benefits of having one.

1. There is this thing called ‘credit’ that every person has. I will never understand how they come up with the numbers, but it is very hard to make a big buy (such as a house) without having good credit. Also, the better your credit, the lower your interest rate. One way to build your credit is to get a credit card. (Side note: it is possible to have awesome credit at a young age. Daniel and I are in our early 20's and are both in the highest bracket of credit that you can have.) We have only been actively “building credit” for 3-4 years.

2. Credit cards are targeted for the people who don’t know how to control themselves with it. Companies lure you in with all these awesome deals like “get 3% cash back on all your purchases” or “get x amount of frequent flyer miles for every dollar you spend.” Usually these credit cards also have a ridiculously high interest rate. I would never ever use a credit card like this for purchases that I don’t plan on paying off at the end of the month.  As a frugal, controlled spender, I use the awesome deals they offer to my advantage. This can save you a TON of money if you do it right.

Ok, so here’s how I control myself. The MOST important thing to remember when having a credit card is that you have to think of it as if it were a debit card; meaning, you are not able to spend more than you have in your checking account and what is budgeted. I use mobile apps for both my checking account and my credit card and check them daily to make sure that I am not over spending. My last post talked about using the envelope system. I know people who have physical envelopes with cash in them, but to utilize my CC as much as possible, I have an app (Good Budget) on my phone that tracks it all, so I can use my credit card the same way as cash and just deduct it from my “virtual” envelope. Sounds simple, right? I will warn you that it does take some work and consistency. It is easy to forget to add your purchases to the Good Budget app (guilty!), but if you are able to keep up with it, the benefits are pretty substantial.

We have a Southwest credit card. I have found that out of all the airline cards, Southwest has the best deal. Their frequent flyer miles never expire, it cost less FF mile to buy a ticket, and you get two bags checked free. Plus, I have only ever had AWESOME experiences flying with them. It does have an annual $100 fee, but it is worth it. Once or twice a year, they have a deal where you can sign up and if you spend $2,000 in the first 3 months, you get $50,000 bonus miles. Last summer, we were able to buy all of our plane tickets for $5.95 each (basically just tax) with the bonus miles. Also, if you are married, you each can get a card and each qualify for the 50,000 bonus miles. I signed up for the credit card last year, and we both were able to use the card. We got the 50,000 points and used them last summer. I also have a ton of points from spending throughout the year that I have bought random plane tickets with. This year, Daniel signed up for the card, is getting 50,000 bonus miles (for our plane tickets this summer) and we plan to cancel mine and spend only on his card. He also used me as a referral so I got 5,000 bonus points to my name. Woah! So basically within the last 2 years we will have gotten 105,000 points just in bonus miles, just for signing up. A one way ticket averages 12,000 points. That is almost 9 one way tickets. We have taken advantage of other offers throughout the year too where they give bonus miles. We have gotten close to 150,000 miles overall. So there is my Southwest plug for you. I could go on and on about how good of a deal this is, but you get the idea. 

Noah's Birth Story

For quite a while now, I have struggled with the thought of writing Noah’s birth story because, well, I’ve believed a lie that I didn’t do much to bring him into the world; but the truth is, no matter how he came into the world, his story is unique and special and I owe it to him to document this special moment so that it not be forgotten. So here I am, almost a year later, trying to remember every little detail.

Let me back up to around 34 weeks when I found out that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to have a traditional delivery. I was chosen to be a part of a study at my hospital and as a result was able to have ultrasounds of our sweet baby more frequently than most people do, free of charge. The study itself was not very pleasant and I will spare you the details, but getting to see our beautiful little boy made it so easy to agree to do. Anyway, around 34 weeks I had an ultrasound and the tech told me that Noah was frank breech, meaning he was in a V shape with his head and feet up and his butt down. She was not particularly concerned, but suggested that I bring this up to my doctor at the next appointment. The tech told me not to worry, as this is not uncommon, and the baby still has plenty of time to flip. My next appointment with my doctor was later that week and when I mentioned it to her; she didn’t seem to concerned either. She did tell me that if for some reason he did not flip, there was a possibility of having to have a cesarean. I remember thinking, ‘There is no way I am doing that. I have seen a C-section before in nursing school, and that is not happening to me.’ Apparently the doctor could see my thoughts by look on my face, she told me that many women opt to have C-sections over vaginal deliveries and there is nothing to be worried about. It really wasn’t the surgery that bothered me; it was more the fact that I had always pictured myself experiencing labor, and delivering a baby on my own. I would feel like a stronger woman for being able to do it. It was a pride thing. Well, God had His way of working on that in my heart.

So, for the next two weeks I did everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, that I could think of to try to get Noah to turn. My poor husband would come into the bedroom to find his 34 week pregnant wife doing a headstand against the wall. I made him stand above me holding two ends of a sheet that was wrapped around my belly and in a sifting motion move the sheet back and forth. Essential oils, floating in the bath, hanging upside down (which I do not recommend trying when you are that prego). Seriously, I tried it all! I was consumed with the thought of possibly having to have a cesarean and was determined to not let that happen. 36 weeks came, and time for another appointment, no change. At this point the doctor talked more seriously about the possibility of a C-section. My stubborn attitude quickly made it apparent that I was going to do everything possible to keep that from happening. She suggested that we try a procedure called an external aversion (where that manually try to maneuver the baby by pushing on my stomach). She said there was no guarantee that he would flip, but if I was that determined then it was worth a shot. So we scheduled it to happen later that week. I didn’t know much about the procedure, so I did some research online and only found mixed reviews, I asked around, and not many people had much to say about the procedure. Well, little did I know, things were about to get rough.

Daniel and I checked in for the procedure and after waiting for what seemed like FOREVER, we were taken back to the room where I changed and was prepped. My doctor came in with a consent form and stated that by pushing on my belly there is a possibility of my water breaking resulting in an emergency C-section. My determination looked past all the risks and I quickly signed. The nurse hooked me up to a monitor that measured my contractions, and because I was having Braxton hicks every 8-10 minutes, they gave me some medication to relax my uterus. Well, one of the side effects of the medication was an increase in heart rate. It was the weirdest feeling sitting completely still and my heart beating 120 bpm. After about 10 minutes of letting the medication work, it was time to try and flip the baby. They lubricated my belly and the doctor and resident started pushing. I quickly came to realize that this was not going to be easy.  As they pushed, I could see my heart rate rapidly increasing on the monitor. 145…. 160…. 172…. 180. Everything in me telling me to keep my composure was gone. I lost it. Between yelling and crying and gasping for breath and thinking I was going to pass out, I glanced over at my husband who had a look of horror, knowing that there was nothing he could do to help me, trying to stay out of the way, but wanting to hold me. He had never seen me like this. I finally was able to yell for them to stop, but still could not breath. The nurse put a mask with oxygen flowing on my face and the doctor asked if I wanted to try again. I took a few minutes to regain composure and the staff gave us a second to talk about it. I told him that I wanted to try one more time (I seriously don’t know what I was thinking). So, a few minutes later, they tried again. This time Daniel held my hand. I closed my eyes and tried to drain out everything that is going on, but all I could think about were the doctor’s nails digging into my skin. Why are her nails digging into me? Aren’t long nails against hospital policy? It made me angry that her nails were so long!  Physically and emotionally drained, I finally told them I was done. I couldn’t take any more pain. Daniel took me home and stayed with me until he knew I was alright. That afternoon I felt so defeated. My stomach was covered in bruises and I was mentally exhausted. I cried out to God and asked Him to do something so that I didn’t have to have a C-section. It was that afternoon that I felt like the Lord shifted something in my heart. He showed me that my prideful and stubborn heart was overpowering a beautiful thing that was taking place. I had a healthy baby boy growing inside of me, my first born child, a little boy that would forever change my life and teach me what it truly meant to love, and I was consumed with how he was going to enter the world. I was missing out on the last few precious weeks of it being just me with my husband. It was that afternoon that I knew how I was going to meet my sweet baby boy, and I was finally at peace with it.

A week later, I had another checkup and also scheduled the C-section. Due to insurance issues and it being so close to Christmas and New Year’s, she had limited dates available. After long discussion and LOTS of persuasions, she finally agreed for me to come in on December 21^st, a Sunday. She typically didn’t do scheduled C-sections on weekends or before 38 weeks (I was 37 weeks and 6 days), but due to the circumstances, she made an exception. As soon as the date was set, I called all our family and they marked their calendars to be here. Suddenly there was so much to do, and so little time! It was an odd feeling knowing Noah’s birthday, before he was actually born.

Well the day FINALLY came. Family was here, the bags were packed, car seat installed, nursery ready, we just needed a baby! We woke up early Sunday morning and loaded up the car. My doctor had told us that we kind of had to be secretive about coming in. She said that on her on call days, she is not supposed to have scheduled surgeries. She told us to come into triage saying that I was having decreased fetal movement. Funny thing is, that morning Noah was moving like crazy. We told our family to hang back at the house and we would call them before I went back for surgery, because we didn’t know how long the wait would be and didn’t want them to have to wait around at the hospital all morning. The whole ride to the hospital I was feeling contractions and lots of movement. We got to triage and the nurse hooked me up to the monitor. She looked rather confused as she read the strip that printed out with the results of what the monitor was reading. She told me that everything looked great and that he must have just woken right up. She said she would get the doctor to sign off on the paperwork and then we could go home. Daniel and I looked at each other in panic. I asked the nurse which doctor would be signing off, and it in fact was not my doctor. My doctor was in another wing of the building, busy at the moment. More panic! As the nurse left the room, Daniel and I were freaking out. What do we do? Are we not going to have a baby today? What are we going to tell our parents who drove 7 hours expecting to meet their grandson? OH NO!!! What seemed like an eternity later, the nurse walked back in stating that she had spoken to my doctor and was aware of what was going on. Moments later, a resident walked in with an ultrasound machine. She checked the baby and reported that I had a low amount of amniotic fluid and it looked like we were going to have a baby today! She said even if we were to wait, my contractions were 5 minutes apart so it was just a matter of time anyway. What a sigh of relief!

The morning of delivery

Two nurses came in and help me change, hook up my IV, and draw some labs; then they wheeled me to the surgery floor and passed me off to another nurse. We called her Nurse Cratchet. She was this older lady who had no respect for modesty and was rude to my family after Noah was born. She finished prepping me, and again, did not allow for any modesty. Ugh! I mean I know I was about to deliver a baby, but at least draw the curtains when you expose a person! Anyway, she gave Daniel some scrubs to wear also so that he could be in the delivery room next to me.

While he waited for me to get the epidural.

Daniel spoke a quick prayer over me, Noah, and the delivery and then the nurse wheeled me back. She told Daniel she would come get him after I had my epidural and was ready to go. He claims it was the longest 15 minutes of his life. I didn’t really realize how comforting it was to have him with me until they took me back alone. I could feel my heart racing as I felt a burning sensation in my back from the lidocaine. Just don’t move. Breathe. Don’t move. The nurse laid me back, and all the sudden I couldn’t move the lower part of my body. Crazy! I tried so hard to move my toes. I couldn’t do it. Apparently the epidural was working. They brought Daniel in and had him stand by my head. I was so worried that he was going to pass out at some point and remember mentioning it to one of the nurses. She made sure to stay close to him throughout the gory parts of the delivery.

Before I knew it, they had started. I tried not to think about them cutting me, but couldn’t keep from thinking about it as I saw the clear suction tube fill with blood. I just tried to keep my eyes on Daniel. Not even 5 minutes into it the doctor says she sees him and reached in to grab him. Moments later I hear a gasp followed by a loud cry. Tears filled my eyes as I heard my little boy take his first breathe. They immediately placed him on my chest as I continued to sob. I had never experienced such a deep love before that moment. Everything else in the room faded and it was just me and my beautiful son. My heart was overflowing. Daniel had the proudest look on his face as tears began to swell in his eyes. The nurse came over to take him so that she could weigh and measure him, but I didn’t want to let him go. He was so fragile and I knew that he would always be safe in my arms and if she took him he wasn’t guaranteed to be protected.

Noah James Gonzales, born Sunday, December 21, 2014 at 10:36 a.m. weighing 8 lbs 1 oz and measuring 19.5 inches long. He had a head full of beautiful, dark hair like his daddy and big eyes like his mommy. He was perfect in every way. 

We were in the delivery room for another 45 minutes or so as they finished, but I didn’t care. I was so consumed in that moment with my precious baby. The doctor told me (as she was sewing my uterus… weird and crazy thought!) that I had a membrane that instead of my uterus being round, it was more of a heart shape which is what was causing Noah to be frank breech and was keeping him from turning. She said that I had a higher risk of all my future babies having the same issue, but it wasn’t guaranteed.

Our family was already asking the front desk the status, but they weren’t giving them any info. I could just picture them asking every 5 minutes, like a little kid on a long road trip asking how much longer. I knew they were just so excited and could hardly wait to meet their new grandchild. A nurse came in to ask my consent to share information, but recommended that we wait an hour or so before they come to recovery just to give our new little family a chance to bond.

As they finished, they had to transfer me from the OR bed to the recovery room bed. I seriously had a mini panic attack when they moved me. I had no control over the lower half of my body and just knew they were going to drop me… but they didn’t. The moments of being in the recovery room are all sort of a blur. I immediately fed Noah and was in awe of how a baby just instinctively knows what to do. I loved watching Daniel through the whole process, he was so supportive and helped me in every way that he could. We had talked about breast feeding beforehand and if it would be weird for him see that, but it was quite the opposite. He was amazed! I remember shaking uncontrollably and feeling concerned that something was wrong with me. The nurse told me that it was all my hormones going crazy. My face and hands were so itchy too, like to the point where my face was red from scratching so much. The nurse gave me some Benadryl to help, but you would have thought she gave me a sedative. I could hardly keep my eyes open and my words were slurring. I couldn’t even think a straight thought. Our family was in the room at this point and was asking how I was doing, but I was unable to get a two word sentence out telling them that I was alright. The moment that my parents saw their new grandson was one of the most special moments. I will never forget the look on my dad’s face as he was holding his first grandson. He looked over at me with the proudest expression. I knew, without him saying anything that he was so proud of what I had just endured and so happy that I had brought his first grandchild into the world. My mom cried as she held him and was beaming with love and excitement. Daniel’s parents were also so excited and so supportive. I knew that they wanted to let my parents experience the feeling of being first time grandparents, so they stepped back a little and took lots of pictures, but I’m so grateful that they were there for those first few special moments with their new grandson. I saw Daniel’s mom periodically ask Daniel how he was doing, which I was glad, because I felt as though he was being forgotten a little, but he too had all these new emotions stirring inside and was using a lot of energy tending to me all while adjusting to the idea of being a new dad. The one person that amazed me the most was my sister. I hadn’t seen or talked to her much over the previous months due to living far apart from each other, and I wasn’t sure how she was going to be during this time. She is usually the comical person who makes jokes here and there to lighten the mood of intense situations, but she was just the opposite. When she held Noah for the first time, you could see that she had just experienced a new kind of love. Her eyes were fixed on him the whole time. As she cradled him, she gently stroked his face and ooed and awed each time he made a little noise. She was obsessed with him.

I don’t remember much between the time I left the recovery room and getting to my post-partum room. I just remember waking up and being ready to change out of that dumb hospital gown. I hated those things, plus mine had a nasty stain on it. Eeeww! We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out with our newest addition, learning what each of his little noises meant; learning how to feed him and change him and bathe him. We were on cloud nine.

The next day was a little crazy. People were constantly coming into the room having us sign papers and wanting to take pictures and take Noah for labs and procedures. I also went to an awesome class that was geared toward breast feeding moms. The lactation consultant told us all about different ways to hold our baby while nursing and what to do if he had problems latching. It was great.

 Throughout the day, I felt like I couldn’t really rest and there were a few points in the day where I just felt stressed. They wanted me to get up and walk around, but I just wanted to sleep. When I finally did get out of bed, I was amazed at how hard it was for my body to remember how to walk. I pushed Noah in the bassinet down the halls from one end to the other, each time taking me close to ten minutes. Again, Daniel was by my side the entire way keeping me company and taking pictures to document each and every moment. 

At some point in the day, the nurse came in to remove my catheter, which led to some problems later that evening. I was not too fond of that nurse. She was very insensitive and pushy. All my other nurses were great throughout my stay, but I didn’t like her, and unfortunately I had her more than one night. So she removed the catheter, but it was like my body forgot what it felt like to have to pee. I know that’s strange to say, but if you think about it, I had just had over 8 pounds removed from body, all of which were sitting on my bladder reminding every two hours that I needed to pee over the previous few months, plus I didn’t have to think about peeing for the past day because of the catheter. So, needless to say, I had issues. That evening I ate my celebration meal with Daniel, which was delicious and enjoyed the company of the various visitors who came to see us. Up to this point, I hadn’t really had much pain at all. I was really surprised, but apparently the epidural had lingering effects. Once that wore of Monday evening, I started feeling every bit of what had just happened to my body the previous day. My bladder was full, but I couldn’t really feel it, until I sat up to get up to pee. Oh my word! I felt as though some one had just punched me in the stomach a bunch of times. Daniel ran to my side to help me get up, but all I could do was cringe and cry in pain. As tears began to fill my eyes, all Daniel could think to do was call the nurse. “We, we need help in here!” Two nurses rushed in to aide, but no amount of people could help my through this pain. My bladder was so full that it was pushing against my fresh incision causing it to feel as though it was going to split right open. The nurse advised that I use a pillow to put pressure on my stomach as I walked to the bathroom. It literally took everything in me to get up out of that bed, but as soon as I peed, the pain was gone! That was the worst of all my days of recovery. I made sure after that to use the restroom every two hours or so, even if I didn’t think I needed to. The next day was more enjoyable. It was December 23^rd, I was overall feeling good, and now getting excited that we were going to be able to spend Christmas at home with our family and new baby. That morning I took some time to myself to shower, do my hair, and pamper myself while Daniel snuggled Noah. We had pictures taken in the hospital and enjoyed more company from our family and friends. The doctor advised that we stay one more night to make sure that I was alright, and I was just happy that we would be discharged before Christmas. Daniel and I enjoyed the evening alone together, knowing that we would have company to come home to. We were so excited that they were there, but also knew that there would be few moments of just the three of us over the next few weeks.

The next morning we were ready to go! Daniel was ready to get out of there probably more so than I was because he had been sleeping on an uncomfortable bench that was in the room with no blanket. He used one of Noah’s blankets over his legs, why he never asked for a blanket, I do not know, but he didn’t. We waited around for the doctor to sign all the discharge papers and didn’t leave until around 2 pm. Were they really about to let us take this little human being home with us? Just wheel us down and let us go, with no manual of how to take care of him?! Yep, that’s exactly what they did. He had a security bracelet on that caused an alarm to go off every time he went to close to an exit, but as soon as those papers were signed, off came the bracelet and out we were.

Comical Daddy giving his helpless son butt hair

The drive home was a little scary for both Daniel and I. Daniel drove at least 5 mph under the speed limit the whole way, which I was fine with, because the last thing I wanted was to be in an accident. We stopped at CVS to get my pain medication and then pulled up to the driveway. No one came to meet us at the door, as they knew we wanted to experience this moment, just the three of us. We walked in the door and everyone’s eyes lit up. The dogs were so happy to see us, but knew something wasn’t right. They wouldn’t stop sniffing and licking. We took Noah straight up to the nursery so that I could feed him and show him his new room. That evening we celebrated Christmas Eve and Noah’s homecoming with a delicious gueso dinner cooked by Daniel’s mom, and oh was it delicious! The house was filled with happy spirits and yummy smells and my heart was overflowing with love and beaming with joy.

Christmas morning was so special. I loved that we were able to celebrate all together, even though it was a little crammed in out upstairs living area. My mom made biscuits and chocolate gravy, as she does every Christmas morning and Daniel’s parents came over as we opened gifts. They were all great gifts, but none compared to our new little boy.

Over the next few weeks, Val, Jason, and Josh came and my mom was back and forth. My mom was such a huge help! Daniel and I were a little worried having her here for such a long period of time, but I missed her when she left. She cooked and cleaned and did whatever she could to help. Plus, when Daniel went back to work, she kept me company.

The whole delivery experience through the following weeks of recovering, Daniel and my relationship grew in a whole new way. He had never had to take care of me before the way that he was now, and I had never had to rely on him the way I was. I knew that I trusted him, but in those few weeks, my trust in him grew so much more than I ever thought it could. I had never been that vulnerable with anyone before, I had never had to before those moments. It was beautiful and so special. I know that I would not have been able to go through all that I did without him by my side. I am so grateful that God gave me such an incredible husband who would do anything for me and has such a deep love for me. I remember one of the first few nights, lying in bed crying because I was frustrated that I couldn’t pull myself up in the bed, it was too painful. Daniel just held me as I cried and prayed over me. There is something about a husband praying over his wife that is so sacred. I feel like it isn’t done enough in marriages, husbands praying over their wives and also wives praying over their husbands.

The next few months were great. We had so many visitors come stay with us. I was so grateful for everyone who came and enjoyed every moment of their company. We are abundantly blessed!